Water is life juice. It’s a necessity and, as with all things that are pure and innocent, people have been quick to monetise the hell out of it. 

And so not surprisingly, we’ve turned our attention to the humble water bottle; that sweet vessel used to transport our most valuable resource. There was the plastic bottle that reigned supreme for a number of decades – you know, before humans discovered environmental conscioceness…

So we got innovative. We turned to steel, camel packs, glass. And along the way we realised a certain exclusivity that comes with wielding a certain kind of bottle. 

Water bottles say a lot about your personality so with that in mind, which personality are you?

The Blender Bottle

You lift. You bench press. You squat. You deadlift. We get it: you practically live at the gym and do anything but aerobic exercise. And you certainly don’t do rest days. Your kind of rest day is a three-hour session devoted to working out solely your calves and to top it all off, protein powder is your pantry staple. 

But when you’re not drinking a protein shake – which is, to be clear, basically never – you do somehow manage to put water in this ghastly thing. Which is oddly disturbing as essentially you’re chugging protein-infused water. Yuck. 

The Stainless Steel Bottle

You like water to be chilled. If it’s not chilled, you don’t drink it. Room temperature? Forget it. It needs to be cold. All. The. Time.

This kind of perfectionism can only be expected from the stainless steel water bottle possessor. You probably did a lot of research before buying this bottle and despite the high price tag, that “Keeps water cold for 48hours” guarantee saw you swooning in the supermarket aisle. 

Sure, water tastes better when it’s cold. But that bottle says one thing and one thing only: You’re high maintenance. 

The Sports Bottle

Ugh, we get it. You play sports. Enough already. As if the team tracksuit and embroidered jersey with your player number and nickname wasn’t enough, now you have to rub it in everyone’s nose with a branded sports water bottle.

We can also guarantee that you’ve lost these a fair few times and between all the team huddles and locker-room hugging, you really aren’t even sure if what you’re drinking from is your own bottle or one of your teammates’. 

The Plastic Bottle

Begone SATAN! Ok, if you’re still carrying around a plastic water bottle, we don’t know what to tell you but heck, we have a platform here so we’re going to say a few things about it anyway. 

Unless you perform bottle flipping as a day job to bring smiles to sick children, you’re not a trend follower and you certainly don’t jump on bandwagons. Did you fail science at school and choose to rebel in the only way you thought possible, by undermining the threats of global warming and climate change? Just because you can go ice skating doesn’t mean the threat isn’t real, OK?

Above all, however, you’re totally oblivious. Oblivious to the stink-eye and judgmental stares coming at you from all directions as you sip your polluted water from a plastic bottle…