By Andrés Muñoz
People say you spend most of your life inside your head, so you might want to make it a nice place. But what if your memories disturb your peace, or there are thoughts that you can’t shake off? You are not alone. We often burden our existence by holding on to past mistakes and shortcomings.
While humans grow thanks to their life experiences (good and bad), some lingering moments shape who we are. These events and our reactions to them mould our sense of self. We must embrace what we love about ourselves and forgive ourselves when we’ve stumbled on the road.
While these suggestions are not a substitute for therapy, these guidelines from healthcare professionals are a starting point as you learn how to forgive yourself.
Why Should You Forgive Yourself?
Silvi Saxena from Choosing Therapy states that self-forgiveness’s value lies in its ability to open the door for connecting with others. You are worthy of love and support. Secondly, showing compassion to others is only possible if you’re compassionate to yourself. Focus on you first, then those around you.
Saxena also points out that dwelling on the past robs you of present joy. You can’t change the past, but you can forgive yourself and move forward, seeing the present with fresh eyes. This act of self-forgiveness can bring relief and lightness, allowing you to embrace the present fully.
Validate Your Shortcomings Compassionately
In psychology, validation is the process of telling yourself that something makes sense on some level (even if it ends up incorrect or undesirable). Regardless of what you might have said or done, clinical psychologist Nick Wingall states that validation is about acknowledging the causes of your mistake.
This means recognising the circumstances and emotions that led to your actions and understanding that your behaviour was a response to these factors, not a reflection of your worth as a person.
“Almost nobody does something wrong purely for spite or malice. We end up making bad decisions because we’re conflicted internally, and the wrong side wins. Welcome to being a human being.”
Talk To Your Inner Critic
To develop self-forgiveness, you must understand the inner voice that criticises you. According to trauma and relationship therapist Jordan Pickell in an interview for Healthline, talking to your inner critic is a way to identify thought patterns that undermine your ability to forgive yourself.
Journal the conversation, write a letter to yourself or jot down your stream of thoughts and ideas so you may review them later.
Remember to talk to your inner complimenter, too! Explore the qualities you like and love about yourself, for they are as valid as the negative thoughts that pin you down.
Don’t Just Practice Self Forgiveness…
According to Rebecca A. Clay, writing for the American Psychological Association, two elements exist when cutting yourself some slack. The first is self-forgiveness, a strategy that repairs the damage to your sense of self when you find yourself doing something that deviates from your beliefs. This is what validating and talking to your critic are all about.
According to Clinical Research Coordinator Michelle Cheng, “[self-forgiveness] is a way to hold myself accountable while understanding that I will fall short of my own expectations and goals sometimes. This allows me to shake it off and keep moving instead of getting stuck in a cycle of self-criticism.”
But what happens if your acts have hurt someone else? Marilyn A. Cornish, PhD, deconstructs self-forgiveness via a four-step intervention:
First, accept responsibility for the harm you’ve caused. Second (and without shame), accept regret. Next is restoration, where you strive to repair the damage and recommit to your core values. Finally, there’s renewal, where you move with a renovated sense of self-trust and self-acceptance.
…Practice Self Compassion Too
The second element in Clay’s article is self-compassion, a powerful tool for embracing and accepting our emotional imperfections with grace.
Kristin Neff, PhD, Psychology Professor at UT Austin and author of books on the subject, highlights three main elements:
The first is self-kindness. Instead of berating yourself, appreciate your imperfection.
The second element is our common humanity. We usually feel isolated when things don’t go our way. Self-compassion is recognising that failing and having imperfections are part of our collective experience. Echoing Wingall’s words earlier, “Welcome to being a human being.”
Finally, mindfulness: observe and recognise your troubling thoughts without judging them. Don’t overreact or try to minimise them. Instead, acknowledge that they simply exist and let them pass by.
While these tips on how to forgive yourself are valuable, remember that professional assistance is always available if you need extra support. A trained therapist’s guidance can help you navigate the journey of self-forgiveness.
Our sense of self is constantly evolving. Forgive yourself, look forward to a happier self, and enjoy the present like a ray of sunshine or a breath of fresh air.