By Conal Morrison

Seriously, why socks?! When I was first asked to write this article, I was expecting to be bombarded with foot fetish propaganda and weird spiels about how attractive socks are. And honestly, to a certain extent, I was not wrong. To some, the humble sock is an art form, another essential piece of their outfit that deserves to be shown off. To others, it’s merely an item to keep them warm and improve blood flow. 

But does this then somehow boost their performance in the bedroom? I tried my utmost to find supporting evidence for this, but admittedly to my relief, there was no such evidence. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I am no stranger to snazzy socks and even own a few pairs of matching animal ones. But I still will not be joining you in your avid desire to copulate while wearing them.

The debate of socks or no socks is a tale as old as time. Many people simply cite convenience as their reason to not take their socks off. “If they’re on when we start they’re on when we finish” seems to be a consistent sentiment. This then begs the question, do you take your socks off when you get undressed? 

To me, socks are optional at best in a normal outfit, let alone in bed. Most people who grow up in New Zealand spend more time outdoors in bare feet than in shoes! After all, there’s a reason why hobbits don’t wear shoes. Admittedly this leads to muddy and dirty feet, so I could see an argument for wearing socks specifically in bed to avoid creating more of a mess. Still, even then, I don’t think I could stomach it. 

The feeling of wearing socks in bed is just atrocious. First off, your feet become unreasonably warm, which leads to them becoming their own little sweat lakes. And, let’s not forget that unsettling feeling of sock on sheet, as you move about, I daresay it’s worse than nails on a blackboard! 

Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t find great feelings of discomfort as helpful when I am trying to show a lovely lady a good time. After all, sex, in its most basic sense, is all about skin on skin. Why would you deprive any part of your body from being involved in that?

Taking A Peek Behind The Curtain

For the sake of being fair, let’s dive into the perspective of a sock wearer and see if we can understand the way the other half thinks. 

One article said that wearing socks can help you reach better orgasms! Going on to say that 80% of couples reached orgasms wearing socks while only 50% of couples reached them without these feet coverings. A study by the University of Groningen ‘proved’ this very fact. However, their sample size was 13 couples. Yes, you read that right, an astounding sample size of 13 couples, 26 individuals. This was seen as enough for there to be ‘definitive proof’ that socks improve sex. Yeah, right.

Another popular sentiment seems to be that wearing socks improves blood flow and therefore improves orgasms. The reason behind this theory is that by keeping your feet warm and dilating the blood vessels, your blood flow improves. The research on this was cited in the same study I mentioned earlier. Essentially it boils down to more blood flow meaning harder erections and more sensitive vaginas, which equals better orgasms. 

Now I’m not trying to be funny, but why not just use a blanket? Seriously, why not?! I mean, odds are you’re in a bed, hopefully, a cosy one. Which means you are either under or on top of a blanket. So why not just wrap yourself up in more ways than one (right, lads?) to make sure you and your partner are nice and toasty. Everybody wins, no gross socks, improved blood flow, better orgasms!

The Final Verdict

Wearing socks to hook up? It’s a no from me. Faux benefits aside, it is really quite a comical look. I mean, no matter how attractive you are, if you stand in front of somebody wearing only socks, it will be hard for them not to laugh. 

Having said that, I do firmly believe in the right to choose, so if you decide to wear socks to bed or while having sex, then hey, good for you. The world is your oyster, and I am sure there will be someone out there who shares your sentiments about socks during sex. And I hope you have as much “blow your socks off sex” as you can!

But I personally will be staying barefoot and letting everything swing free in the wind just how nature intended.