By Emma Di Salvo
We know that a wedding is not the same as a marriage. And yet, it sometimes feels like we put more effort, time, and planning into the former. So much emphasis and importance is placed on the event to make it just right—the perfect dress, a fantastic venue, and outstanding food and entertainment; people sometimes spend years planning their “Big Day.”
But what about what comes after? How much time is spent discussing the actual marriage? Are weddings becoming more important than marriages, and if so, what does this mean for our future?
Let’s be honest: It’s much easier to be more excited about your wedding than the actual marriage. One is pretty much guaranteed to be fun, and the other, well, no one can know what that will be like until it happens. I believe this uncertainty distracts us from concentrating on the most important part—the marriage itself.
Why People Focus On The Wedding More
Marriage is hard work. It requires compromise, picking your battles, and growing as a couple. Some people meet, and within two weeks, they are engaged, married, and spend the rest of their lives together. Others, together for many years, may have taken steps to plan their lives carefully and get married but are divorced within a year.
It is marriage’s unpredictability that is so scary. But remember, it’s normal to have uncertainties.
People change, circumstances change, and any number of things can go wrong within a marriage. We know this in the back of our minds when we get engaged. In the UK alone, 42% of marriages end in divorce. When you consider things in these terms, it’s not surprising that so much focus is put on the wedding.
We have control over weddings, and we can determine their outcome. They are happy, joyous occasions where usually everyone is happy. What comes after is unknown, and no one likes the unknown.
Focus On The Marriage
We need to flip the script and ensure that just as much or even more time is spent focusing on the marriage rather than the wedding. I know we hear this often, but communication is key to doing this. It’s your tool for understanding, for resolving conflicts, and for building a strong foundation.
Sit down and discuss with your partner any worries or anxieties you have about married life. Be honest. If there’s anything you need to get off your chest, don’t wait until you’re married to tell them. Try to enter the marriage with as little baggage as possible.
If mistakes have been made, own up to them. If you have doubts about the relationship, don’t be scared to share them. It doesn’t mean the relationship is over, on the contrary, it opens the door for change. Below are some topics that often cause arguments and that can be avoided simply by talking them through:
Children
Even if having children isn’t on your radar now, please discuss this topic. If one of you wants children and the other doesn’t, this can be the make or break of a relationship.
If you both want children, discuss your own childhoods. What mistakes did your parents make that you’re determined not to repeat? What kind of parents do you want to be?
Money
Usually, one person in the relationship inevitably earns more than the other. This can be a highly delicate issue and cause a lot of friction in a relationship. Talk about it. Don’t avoid the subject. Being on the same page about finances is crucial.
Sex
Don’t expect your sex life to stay the same forever. For many long-term couples, it is something that comes in phases. Sometimes, you’ll have sex a lot; other times, not at all. This is normal.
Don’t berate your partner if they are not in the mood. Be patient, kind and understanding. See a sex therapist if you think it will help you communicate, but never focus just on sex as the end goal.
Chores
Once you’re married, how will you function as a couple? Who will be responsible for what? If you’re not already living together, this is really important and useful for couples already under the same roof. I know it’s boring, but not every day will be as exciting as your wedding!
Involve Your Partner
Sometimes, brides get so carried away with wedding planning that they barely include their other half! Please don’t do this. This is as much their day as it is yours, and not involving them can lead to arguments later on.
Marriage is not something that should be entered into lightly. It’s not always easy, but it can bring immense joy and fulfilment when done with the right person. By all means, enjoy your engagement!
It’s a happy and exciting time for any couple. Just remember what comes after the cake has been eaten. Plan for it as much as you can, and give your marriage the best possible start it deserves.