By Audrey Tan

Relationships can be challenging, especially if there is a big difference in your wants and needs. One such issue is called desire discrepancy, and it is commonly seen among long-term partners and is among the main reasons couples seek therapy. The term describes the differences in libido or the sexual needs/desires between two people in a relationship. 

In simple terms, it’s what happens when one partner wants to have more sex than the other. These differences can be a significant source of conflict and stress between partners. Thankfully, it is a widely studied topic.

According to a 2015 study, 80% of people surveyed have experienced desire discrepancy, with 95% experiencing it within the past year. What this means is that you are not alone. 

Why Does It Happen?

Desire discrepancy is a complex issue, and it’s commonly known that there are many factors affecting one’s libido, such as:

  • Stress – the body becomes high in cortisol, lowering libido
  • Mood issues like anxiety and depression
  • Side-effects of medication (blood-pressure medication, antidepressants, etc.)
  • Relationship problems
  • Body insecurities and low self-esteem
  • Sexual dysfunction (erectile difficulties or genito-pelvic pain)
  • Cultural or religious beliefs
  • Hormone fluctuations: women’s hormone levels fluctuate throughout the month, and high levels of progesterone tend to reduce sexual desire
  • Substance use
  • Illness
  • Pregnancy, childbirth, or fertility issues
  • The responsibilities of raising a family
  • Sometimes, you’re just not feeling it

How To Handle Desire Discrepancy

From biology to lifestyle, mental health and relationship problems, many aspects are influencing one’s sex drive. To do something about it, it’s essential to first determine the root issue. 

If stress is the problem, perhaps it’s time to reassess your responsibilities or take a vacation to reconnect with yourself and your partner. 

If it has something to do with anxiety and depression, maybe it’s time to seek professional help. 

Open Communication Between Partners

Whatever the problem, communicating it with your partner can make things a million times better. Without open communication, desire discrepancy invites anxiousness and insecurity. If you don’t tell each other why one of you isn’t “feeling it”, the other person’s mind is bound to go into overdrive with feelings of doubt and insecurity, especially if it keeps happening.

For example, you may think that your partner’s feelings for you have changed, when in fact, they’re dealing with a lot of stress at work and just haven’t communicated it. The reason may be trivial like they just saw a weird video on TikTok! Whatever the reason, talk about it.

After some time in the relationship, you may come to realise that you and your partner have very different sex drives. That’s completely normal; you’re different people after all! It might not be obvious at the start of the relationship since a lot of action tends to happen during the “honeymoon phase,” which dies down gradually. 

Feeling frustrated and rejected is normal for a partner with higher desire. But by communicating honestly, they know that it’s nothing personal and that there could be an underlying issue that requires both of your attention. If you truly care about your partner and want the relationship to work, cultivating other sources of connection can help. 

This can be as easy as having an open conversation and being vulnerable with each other about the lack of sexual intimacy and finding ways to fix the problem together. This could bring you closer than any session in the bedroom. 

It’s normal for a partner with lower desire levels to feel embarrassed that you can’t always accommodate your partner’s needs. But rather than shutting down and ruminating about the problem alone, try talking to your partner about it. This simple step alone is essential in breaking down any anxiety and insecurities. 

Leave Behind Unrealistic Expectations

It’s also important to note how the internet and popular culture have warped our expectations of sex. For instance, storylines of people who fall in love together often begin or end with sex. And people in raunchy movie scenes usually end with mutual satisfaction. What we frequently forget is that it’s all just an act. 

In reality, non-sexual physical affection and emotional intimacy are way more important than the “number of times you have sex” in long-term relationships. And while mutual satisfaction is possible, it doesn’t always happen in real life. As sex is often portrayed as something impressive and satisfying on our screens, we have unrealistic expectations about it. And when we can’t achieve the same thing, we feel there’s a problem, or something is lacking. 

The bottom line is, as long as you and your partner openly communicate about any “discrepancy in desire”, and both sides understand and accept the reasons for this gap, I think your relationship will be alright. Forget everything you’ve learned from movies or porn about sex, it’s often unrealistic, and the more you try to emulate it, the more you’ll be driving a wedge in your relationship. 

So, if you’ve been feeling disconnected from your partner in the bedroom, this is your sign to talk to them about it!