By Joselyn Tan

My name is Joselyn, and I am 47 years old, mother of three boys, aged 19 – 25 years. In 2017, I was diagnosed with Severe or Clinical Depression. Sometime during that year, I noticed that I had started to view my life through a darkened lens. Everything that once held joy began to look bleak and meaningless, and I found myself taking to bed and sleeping up to 12 – 16 hours a day with constant thoughts of suicide plaguing my every waking moment.

At that time I was told that the symptoms that I was experiencing was of someone suffering from depression. I was plagued with sudden, unexplained sad spells that had me crying for no reason, and craving sleep, but left me feeling lethargic and unmotivated upon waking.

I tried to explain how I felt to my husband, but he simply said that this was a phase. that would soon pass, but instead it persisted for three months.

At that point, I truly felt that I was in the darkest place that I had ever been in. Life to me had truly lost all its colour and joy.

Eventually, I decided to seek professional help. I went to see a psychiatrist and that was when I met Professor Lee who diagnosed me with severe depressions – or Clinical Depression.

The Ups And Downs Of My Mental Health Journey

My depression peaked in 2019. Already at my lowest point that year, hurtful incidents with my extended family worsened my depression and pushed me to the point of suicide. It was then that my eldest son saved me from taking my life and had me admitted to hospital.

I remember only being able to see and hear the voice and face of the extended family member who had triggered the negative emotions in me. I remember not knowing what to do – I simply wanted it all to stop, and I could only think of one way to do it.

During my darkest hours, it was the presence of my loved ones that gave me hope. I found solace and strength in the unwavering support of my husband, and the caring embrace of all three of my sons, who stood by my side during the darkest days of my life.

Six years have gone by since I was officially diagnosed with major depression and the term that I would refer to the past few years would be a “rollercoaster ride”. Antidepressants have become a staple in ensuring that I can go about my days normally, and visits to the psychiatrist have become a regular part of my routine to keep track of my progress.

Reaching Out To Others

We do not get depression, anxiety disorders or mental illness by choice, it’s by circumstances and situations that triggers these emotions. There are many psychological explanations to it and the layman may not be able to understand how those who experience it truly feel.

Which is why as someone who is still living with depression, I hope to act as a role model for those who are experiencing the same mental health struggles as I am, and give them the nudge they need to reach out to their loved ones or professionals for help.

Mental Health And Social Stigma

I joined the World Madam 2023 pageant and saw it as a good opportunity to share my struggle with mental health and reach out to other women out there who are facing similar struggles as I am.

There is an unhealthy social stigma towards depression and mental health issues, so much so that those suffering from them avoid talking about their struggles with family members, relatives, colleagues, and friends.

I saw the pageant as the perfect platform where women can empower other women to seek help if they needed to. I hope to inspire and motivate others to step forward and make a difference when it comes to mental health.

Seeing a psychiatrist or receiving emotional mental therapy should never be stigmatised. In fact, it should be encouraged. A person who acknowledges that they require assistance is wiser than someone who chooses to live in denial.

Mental health conditions are a diagnosis, but it doesn’t define who one truly is. The stigma surrounding mental illness or depression keeps people locked in prisons of shame, refusing to admit that they need help. People need to know that they are not alone.

Dissociative Amnesia And Uncovering Suppressed Memories

In 2021, during my regular therapy sessions, I discovered I had been suppressing traumatic memories from my childhood, this condition is known as dissociative amnesia, typical in those who have endured childhood trauma.

While some people may only recall a short period of time, others can recall whole years of their lives. Why do people keep their childhood trauma hidden? Most specialists believe that dissociative amnesia is a defence mechanism that people utilise to wipe out traumatic memories from their past, an instinctive response rather than a deliberate decision to protect themselves. Because children frequently lack the power to prevent painful experiences such as sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, dissociation might be a method for them to cope.

“I was lying in bed when he suddenly came and lay his body down next to me and put his hand into my underwear. I was so scared and confused but did not know what to do. There wasn’t any sex education in school during my time, and I didn’t know what was happening”

Through the therapy, I was reminded of my childhood trauma, which occurred when I was seven, until I was nine years old. My abuser was my cousin -who was seven years older than me-, and resided with my family. The abuse went on for a year and a half, and I never spoke about it to anyone until now.

Body Shaming Is Not Okay

One of the most painful side effects from the anti-depressants that I was prescribed was that I gained 15kg, and had to also endure remarks or comments from relatives about my weight gain. Prior to my diagnosis, I was a very petite and slim 48kg, and the constant remarks that I received made me dread family gatherings and events.

I am proud to say that I am working hard and on my journey to a healthier and slimmer me! I now no longer take the lift up to my floor, instead I have started to climb the stairs daily to the 7th floor, and clock 10,000 steps every day.

At the end of the day, I try not to be critical of myself, and instead understand that it’s okay that no one understands what I am going through, so long as I know how far I have come that’s good enough for me.