Here we go then. It’s the end of yet another (wonderful/sickening) year… And as we blindly steamroller into a new one, it always seems naively comforting to set yourself elaborate goals in order to make the transition from one year to the next seem not completely hopeless.
Regardless of how the previous year has treated you, you’re determined to show the new one who’s boss. This is usually in the form of New Year’s Resolutions. That is to say, writing down a 12-month to-do list, and convincing yourself that these are your personal Ten Commandments.
Unfortunately for most of us, our initially well-intentioned New Year’s Resolutions are so unequivocally stupid that you generally spend more time and effort compiling a list than you do actually sticking to it. Outlined here are some of the most popular and gleefully futile resolutions that the general public make immediately after spending the preceding two weeks lying on their backs with a bottle in their mouth. And slowly but surely, we’ll all abandon the lot…
Join A Gym
This is the most popular resolution apparently. And clearly the most financially stupid. It’s very natural (and actively encouraged) to go completely overboard through the festive period when it comes to spooning fat, sugar and alcohol into your mouth. So its quite understandable that people feel guilty enough to try and atone for it. But while spending the budget you usually save for booze on a gym membership instead may sound like a wise thing to do, it really isn’t.
The main crux of it is that there’s exercise involved and for some this can be, frankly, horrifying. Though sprinting at full pelt on a treadmill for two minutes before falling off clutching your chest might seem like an achievement, it will never top sitting on a chair in front of the television and not moving for three hours. Furthermore, doing the aforementioned treadmill attack just twice a year because you otherwise can’t be bothered isn’t going to get your sexy back no matter how much you flex in the mirror. When You’ll Abandon It: guaranteed after the free trial month.
Improve Your Diet
Everyone has contemplated this at some point. In fact, you can’t really consider eating anything without being terrorised into thinking you’re somehow killing yourself with it. The ever-changing scientific research into what we trowel into our bodies has left the general public in a kind of nutritional limbo. No ordinary person really knows what’s actually good and bad for them anymore. Which obviously begs the question of what’s the point in caring?
Mind you, if you’re the kind of idiot who thinks gorging on a pepperoni pizza the size of a coffee table then washing it down with a Diet Coke constitutes a step in the right direction, then you probably deserve to have searing chest pains at night. But by all means, try to up your fruit and veg intake; try to drink whole litres of water every day; do attempt to be one of those uninteresting people who checks the fat content on food labels when shopping. Just know that you’ll fail. Which is something you can add to next year’s resolutions: stop being a failure. Win win. Or fail fail, depending on which way you look at it. When You’ll Abandon It: every other meal.
Save More Money
This is all well and good but if you’re trying to get fit and lose the blubber, you’re (apparently) going to have to pay for an expensive gym membership. If you’re looking to eat healthier, the cost of organic, free-range, nutritional food isn’t at all comparable to scoffing on a bag of chips for dinner from the local takeaway. And while you genuinely believe that saving up all your money for a rainy day is a good thing, due to increased global temperatures its becoming a far warmer and wetter climate, therefore increasing the potential of more regular rainy days in the future. So basically you’d be spending more than you saved. Which defeats the point in the first place. Anyway, you’ll probably have far more fun using your hard-earned money to buy takeaway food, alcohol and cigarettes. When You’ll Abandon It: when you realise you don’t earn enough.
Learn A New Language
Believe it or not, this is quite a popular resolution to make despite the majority of people in the English-speaking world not really bothering either way about learning the lingo of another land. But its a mightily impressive string to add to your bow. And if you persevere with and master a language, your general sexiness will automatically double overnight. However, unless you want to learn and teach in a different country, or are most likely – on the run from the law, starting from scratch with an entire new language doesn’t bear thinking about.
The reason for this is because it involves loads of hard work. And no-one in their right mind wants to put extra effort into embarking on a linguistic hobby that they’ll end up abandoning when they mispronounce a foreign word and end up making it sound like an unspeakable part of the anatomy. Plus, all the best songs are lyrically English, and you probably still only possess a four-year-old’s vocabulary anyway – so its best you focus your efforts on negotiating your native tongue. When You’ll Abandon It: you won’t even start it.
Spend Less Time On Social Media
Such is the popularity of social media, and based on absolutely no research whatsoever, its predicted that the human race will evolve to have various social platforms beamed directly into their heads via a facial tick around an eyeball. This will eventually replace the soft squishy part inside of the skull that used to be the brain with pictures of people hugging, casual racism and bad grammar.
Until this delightful dystopia becomes a realisation, early 21st century humans have to make do with standing next to a family member or friend, updating a status on their phone that announces this then watching as said family member or friend comments on that status. Then they stand back and hope a lot of people they barely know say they like them. As confusing as this may sound, it is the way of the world and even the most unpopular of idiots can see its appeal.
So why are people adding this to their resolutions? Its obvious that Facebook and Twitter are impossibly addictive. Trying to cut back on them is about as likely as you pushing your boss down the stairs. You want to, but you can’t bring yourself to. But at least you can tweet about how fed up you are about that to all your adoring fans. When You’ll Abandon It: you’ll forget you ever made this resolution.