Back in the day, there was a huge industry in reading coffee. By scanning the bottom of your cup, various bejewelled charlatans could inform you with a degree of convincing certainty about your love life, business ventures, family relationships and so on. For a fee obvs.

But if you want to gain a real insight – and one entirely unproven by anything but our opinion – look at the type of coffee people are ordering to gain an insight into their personality…


This is the loveable grandfather of the coffee world. As is the man who drinks it. Regardless of his age. For him, the sprinkle of chocolate is as decadent as it gets. This is a sensible coffee and a sensible consumer – middle of the road, solid.


The cappuccino’s slightly more affected son. Again, beyond the slight flamboyance of the European inflection, the latte is the drink of choice of your creatives. In other words, writers, painters, singers, artists and everyone else who wishes their Insta profile could get a blue tick.

Short Black

What we’ve got here is part risk-taker, part hedonist. She knows her coffee by region and (single) origin. She can talk “brightness” and “caramel notes” with the best of them. Or at least until the barista says “next”.

Long Black

There is an undeniable element of unsullied toughness about the long black. Albeit slightly diluted. The long black is a particular fave of those who want to watch their weight but can’t quite commit to the punch in the face of the short black. We see you holding that tummy in.


All the strength of a short black but with a festive little foam hat. Mr Macchiato fancies himself quite the Europhile, works on the seed end of startups and is known by name when he wanders into Harrods.


Kudos to you, oh drinker of the love child of chocolate and coffee. It takes a serious sense of self-esteem not to mention cajones, to order and consume this much-maligned concoction in public. Let your freak flag fly you crazy diamond.

Flat White

What’s not to love here? The flat white bloke is just that a bloke. Zero pomposity, nothing fancy, just a please and thank you and I’ll be off thanks. A downplayed hero who can do stuff with his hands and a few tools that the others have to outsource.