By Karen Espig
What the heck is Breadcrumbing? Well, in the Grimm Brothers’ fairy tale Hansel and Gretel, the children drop breadcrumbs to create a trail they can follow later. Similarly, in relationships, breadcrumbing is when a person drops small amounts of attention, promises, or praise to keep your attention but never invests in the relationship meaningfully.
It is a form of manipulation. When it is intentional, it gives the perpetrator a sense of power or even a source of amusement. On the other hand, unintentional breadcrumbing may indicate you are dealing with an intimacy-phobic or emotionally immature person. Either way, it’s not cool. Here’s how to spot it and what to do.
Common Examples
- Low-Value Interactions: These interactions lack significant meaning and do not move the relationship forward. They might “like” posts on social media, but you aren’t hearing from them directly.
- No Follow-Up Or Plans Made: The kissy-face emojis are flowing back and forth, but if in-person (or on-video, if long-distance) dates are not happening, this is breadcrumbing and a red flag.
- Inconsistent Or Non-Prime Time Communication: When do you hear from them? Is it only when they are bored at work or school? Never in the evening or when you know they are free? Do they start a messaging conversation, then suddenly leave it hanging for hours or days?
When you finally receive a message, you may even feel like you are reading “cut and paste” content. And you just might be. Try getting specific in your responses to test the waters, and always trust your gut.
- They Love Me, They Love Me Not: Breadcrumbing may even continue after you start in-person dating. If you find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster, take a good look at what is happening–and talk to your friends or counsellor. If their behaviour is lovey-dovey one day and indifferent the next, do not ignore it; do not lower the bar of what you need in a relationship.
It might suck that you have to dive back into the dating pool but trust me, you will be better off. If you are being treated this way now, what will it look like in a year? Five years?
What Can You Do About It?
- Confront The Breadcrumber: This is the fast track to diffusing this stressful situation. However, I must warn you that the most likely response to your calling them out is complete silence (hence, no actual resolution). Remember, while you have put yourself out there with your vulnerability, they were never invested; ignoring you will not cause them any discomfort.
Unfortunately, your emotions may feel even more intense. But stay strong; this is just more breadcrumbing. If they do contact you again in a few days or weeks, it is your turn to ignore them or, better yet, block them entirely.
If their response is to justify their behaviour or attack you, saying you are “too sensitive” or “overreacting”, well, you just got your answer on whether this is a healthy relationship.
It is not.
If it was, they would feel concerned that they upset you and wish to be clear about how they actually feel about you or the relationship.
It is somewhat (although, honestly, rarely) possible that being confronted will yield a positive result if the person’s behaviour results from their own issues. However, they need to acknowledge this and work on these problems before the relationship can evolve into one in the healthy zone.
- Let Go, Move On: Obviously, if you are stuck in the go-nowhere merry-go-round with a breadcrumber, you cannot meet and connect with a good partner. Moving on may feel lousy at first, but you might also be surprised at the relief you feel.
That relief is a HUGE indicator that you were not in a good situation. You may have wasted some time, but you also learned something fundamental, and you could now be on the path to a healthy and nurturing relationship.
- Take Time To Heal: There can be significant psychological impacts from sustained or repeated interactions with toxic relationship behaviours, like breadcrumbing. Feeling insecure about the relationship may lead to feeling insecure about yourself or unsure whether your expectations are reasonable. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and take the time you need to heal. You deserve to feel secure and confident in your next relationship.
Before venturing boldly into the next (hopefully healthy) relationship, identify whether you have developed some trust issues.
As more and more of our interactions become virtual, it is clear that we need a few new tools in the social toolbox. The good news is that once you are aware of the signs of breadcrumbing and other toxic behaviours, you cannot unknow them. This self-awareness empowers you to spot unhealthy interactions quicker, making space for positive ones.
Now is the time to take control of your relationships. So, decide: do you want just crumbs or the whole loaf?