By Emma Di Salvo
When discussing sex, a lot of people find it more comfortable to focus on the physicality of the subject rather than delve deeper into the psychology of it. Discussions amongst friends tend to be light-hearted and fun, where embarrassing stories can be shared without judgement, and talk about positions, penis size, and pleasure (or lack thereof!) are all laid bare.
However, when it comes to opening up about sexual anxiety, this is a much more complicated and less fun topic to discuss. As a result, many people feel alone and unsure of where to turn to for help.
Sexual anxiety is something that most people will experience at least once in their lifetime. There are many reasons why anxiety can manifest around sex, some of which can be complex. Even though it is common, it can be incredibly debilitating and frustrating, whether you’re single or in a committed relationship. Let’s explore this sensitive but important subject further.
Education is Key
In school, we’re taught what goes where but very little about the emotional side of having sex. Aspects like how sex can change a relationship, how different people have different sex drives, how to deal with feelings of rejection and inadequacy and how vital communication is often are neglected.
We are, I believe, flung out into the world completely unprepared when it comes to understanding the emotional side of being sexually active. Sex Education in schools is in desperate need of a revamp. As a teacher myself, I have seen first-hand just how little young people actually know about sex.
How Many Times Is “Normal?”
I remember, during my first serious relationship, feeling incredibly anxious because my boyfriend and I didn’t have sex over one weekend. As this was unusual for us, my anxiety at this sudden change went through the roof. I was certain it meant the end of our relationship. Turns out, this episode was the birthplace of my sexual anxiety.
The same thing happened again Much later in life and in a different relationship. I was casually chatting with some teacher friends over lunch one day. One of them asked, “How often do you all have sex with your partner?” There were varying answers, but most stated somewhere between 3-4 times a week. I could have just died.
At that point, I had been with my partner for around 6 years or so, and we probably had sex about once a week. But of course, when asked, I completely lied and went along with their answers to fit in and avoid any embarrassment. I remember feeling awful for months after this conversation. It felt as though everyone was enjoying a normal, healthy sex life apart from me.
Had my partner noticed? Was he fed up and on the verge of cheating?
Nope, it was just my anxiety trying to take over.
For the record, most sex therapists agree that the average number of times a couple have sex is between once a week and once a month. This doesn’t take into consideration other factors that may affect your sex life, such as stress, health and other anxiety-related issues.
Specific Types Of Sexual Anxieties
Besides panicking that you’re not doing it enough, some other specific problems and disorders can have a massive impact on your sex life.
Vaginismus refers to the sudden tightening of the vagina when you try to insert something in it. This can include insertion of tampons, sexual intercourse, and even having something near your vagina for fear of pain. Vaginismus is a fairly complex condition, as it is purely psychological (unless caused by a medical issue such as thrush).
Causes may include having an unpleasant sexual experience, sexual abuse, believing sex is shameful and general anxiety about sex. Treatments vary and can involve psychosexual therapy, relaxation techniques and pelvic floor exercises. If you think you may be suffering from vaginismus, please talk to your doctor.
Something else that causes lots of people stress is sexual performance anxiety. This can encompass all sorts of issues, such as body image (what does my stomach look like in that position?), body function (am I taking too long to reach orgasm/am I reaching orgasm too quickly?), expression (am I making too much noise/not enough?) and skill level (is it obvious I have no idea what I’m doing?). All of these worries are common and perfectly normal.
The most important and kind thing you can do for yourself when experiencing sexual anxiety is to find the underlying cause. Talk with someone. It could be a friend, partner or therapist. Work through the issue/s and know that you’re not alone. Do your research, seek professional help if needed, and know that you will emerge from the experience a happier and more confident person.
Whatever your anxiety is, know that someone somewhere has experienced the exact same issue and overcome it. And you can, too.