By Kiko Dametra
Relationships can be complex. We all have different ways of communicating and acting, which means we sometimes need to explore our identities more to make one successful. Attachment styles, the emotional patterns that shape our relationships, are a universal aspect of human experience.
If you’ve ever found yourself sending multiple messages to your partner while they’re away or feeling anxious as your relationship deepens, you’re not alone. Understanding our attachment styles is like deciphering the secret code of our hearts, a journey we all embark on.
The Theory Of Attachment Styles
The attachment theory was developed in the 1950s by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. It explains why people bond with others the way they do, which is heavily influenced by early interactions with parents or caregivers. These early formative experiences create the blueprints on whether we are secure, anxious, avoidant, or anxious-avoidant, which are later expressed in our adult relationships.
Discovering your attachment style can be a transformative journey. It can illuminate the dynamics of your relationships and guide you towards more secure and fulfilling connections. So, are you ready to embark on this journey of self-discovery, heal old wounds, and build healthier relationships? Let’s begin!
The Different Attachment Styles
Attachment styles, the emotional blueprints that shape our relationships, come in four distinct flavours: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Let’s delve into the unique features and origins of each of these styles, and see if you can spot yourself in any of them.
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment arises when individuals feel safe and confident in forming and nurturing relationships. Those with this attachment style appreciate intimacy yet understand the importance of setting appropriate boundaries and clearly conveying their needs. Securely attached individuals in relationships demonstrate ‘interdependence,’ where both partners can independently manage their emotions and seek comfort from each other when necessary.
This style develops primarily from caregivers who provide consistent and attentive support during a child’s early life, particularly within the first year. This reliable presence and responsiveness foster a foundation for secure attachments.
Anxious Attachment
Individuals with an anxious attachment style desire close relationships yet fear abandonment and rejection. These individuals often anticipate negative outcomes and frequently require reassurance from their partners. However, they may have difficulty fully accepting it.
Coping mechanisms for those with anxious attachment can include overly frequent communication, adapting excessively to please others, indirectly communicating needs, and developing codependent behaviours. This stems from a subconscious belief that they must prevent abandonment at all costs.
The common roots of anxious attachment are often traced back to caregivers who displayed emotional inconsistency, being sometimes attentive and sometimes aloof. This pattern can lead to persistent anxiety about relationships in adulthood.
Avoidant Attachment
Someone with an avoidant attachment style values their independence a lot, almost to an extreme. Instead of needing constant reassurance like their anxious counterparts, they might shy away from getting too close to others.
Avoidantly attached people might find it challenging to open up and be vulnerable. They crave closeness, but the fear of being close can overshadow that need. It’s like there’s a block between them and their emotions, making it hard to connect deeply with someone else’s feelings.
How does someone end up like this? Well, like the others, it usually starts in childhood. If caregivers are distant or dismissive and do not really meet the emotional needs of the child, the child learns to rely mostly on themselves. It’s a self-protective shell that forms from those early experiences.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
The fearful-avoidant attachment style often stems from childhood trauma. This person is juggling feelings of wanting closeness but fearing intimacy at the same time. It’s like being caught between a fear of being left alone and a strong desire for complete independence.
Trusting others and maintaining relationships can be challenging for those with this attachment style. The roots of this style usually trace back to environments that are either unpredictable or downright abusive. A fearful-avoidant attachment emerges from erratic caregiving. This might mean as a child, they alternated between seeking affection and retreating in fear, mirroring the chaos of their home life. It’s a complex dance of emotions where every step forward might be met with a step back.
Working On Your Attachment Style
While most of us may sometimes have some traits of secure attachment, we can also find ourselves straying into one of three insecure attachment styles. Even though your relationship may appear steady, worrisome or annoying, actions may lead to stress, displeasure and insecurity.
If you are concerned about your attachment style and its impact on your relationships, take heart. There are steps you can take to address it. Start by cultivating self-awareness and self-focus, and consider seeking therapy if needed. Ignoring these issues can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges.
Remember, your life and your relationships are yours to improve, and with some effort and patience, you can make a positive change. Best of luck on your journey of self-discovery and growth!